Chapter 1:

To Run and Play 

“Come and have devotional!”  At Julie’s call the children came running to the living room before school.  It was short and sweet, but happened nearly every weekday.  The kids sat by her, on her, all clustered around leaning in, one or two resting a head on her shoulder.  Julie read a few short verses of scripture, then It was Heidi’s turn to pick the short story from “The Friend”, pick the primary song, and say the prayer.  It all lasted 5-10 minutes and then they were off to school.  Tomorrow it would be someone else’s turn.  

From June 2008 to December 2012, we believed Julie was cured of her pancreatic neuroendocrine tumor, (PNET).  Up until that December, she was extremely healthy and busy, running around with the kids, morning devotionals, housekeeping, bread baking, canning, making after school snacks, planting flowers, doing yoga, going on long walks, laughing with friends, taking kids to the circus, helping with homework, and reading books out loud to her children.

She was a powerful force in the world, shaping the lives of seven children and one husband to go out and make the world better.  Why would that end?

PNET has no cure once metastasized.  Better treatments exist now, but at the time the first line of treatments were weak oral chemotherapy medications.  They made her sick and tired and set her back, but did not debilitate her.  Each month she would have two sick and tired weeks, and two energetic weeks.  We could do it, and for the next two years life was still mostly very good for Julie.  

The painful hip tumor and surgery in May 2015 was a tough set back. But then in June she oddly developed appendicitis which resulted in laparoscopic discovery that her very large ovarian tumors could be safely removed.  Appendicitis seemed like insult to injury, but turned out to be a blessing.  After her ovarian tumors were removed easily in July 2015, she bounced back that summer and fall.  We started making plans to build a home.  Perhaps we shouldn’t have, but to give up on those old plans felt like giving up hope.  

The oral chemo stopped working and by winter 2016 her tumors were growing.  Also she was having increasing pain in her hip which turned out to be more tumor growth around the metal implants in her femur and hip.  By spring she was in much more pain, more sick, on IV chemo, getting radioactive liver treatments, and direct radiation treatments to tumors in her pelvic bones and spine.  

It was at this time that despair was more often present, and her past fears and anxieties began to be more fully realized.  I wrote this letter to my children one day after facing a night of despair.

Letter to our Children, 4 Apr 2016

Subject: To Run and Play

"This is not who I want to be. This is not how I want to be remembered. I want to run and play! There is so much I want to do." Last night I listened to these words from my lovely wife, as she spoke with such sadness and fear and anguish of soul. This was not the first time nor the last that she will feel and utter such feelings.

I have listened to your mothers grief and tried to comfort her so many times over the years. Her pain, fears and sadness weigh heavily upon me, but not nearly as much as they weigh upon her. I know that you all feel her sadness and fear as well. I know you want your mother to see you get married, and to bake pies for your grandchildren. I feel most sadly for Noah and Christopher. They hug her all the time and come and sit by her in bed. Last night, I sat at the foot of their beds as they lay down to sleep, and explained in very simple terms that their mothers cancer was spreading and that is why she is sad and sick. Upon saying this, Noah's face showed with instant anguish and he plugged his ears with his fingers and rolled over to face the wall. I went over and laid by his side with my arm over him until he fell asleep, and then I went over and tucked Christopher in. They had wanted me to read to them, like I often do, but didn't last night. Tonight I will read to them. This morning they bounced out of bed, and when I left they were with a happy and loving mother, who was making them lunches and preparing for her morning devotional with them.

Mom is trying with all of her soul to not despair. It is so hard though because she loves you all so much that she just wants to experience life with you. She loves life, and wants to experience it to its fullest. She doesn't want to miss out. She wants you all to experience the happiness of happy family life and children of your own. She wants you to do well in school, be healthy, be temple worthy always, and to marry happily.

None of us should really despair, because of the hope we have in Christ. As I was out walking early this morning I was thinking about my own grief, and how I felt cheated, and also feeling sorrow about my own sins and shortcomings. I thought about how we could all rise above our griefs and be happy. Often we experience sorrow and happiness together, and I think it is right for us to feel great sorrow for your mother. I think not to have deep sorrow in this situation would be wrong, absolutely wrong. Still, it would also be wrong not to recognize and give thanks for the great blessing we have and for all of our experiences in life. 

On my walk I had just listened again to the story of Elder Wirthlin's mother, after his football team had lost a big game and he was feeling down, she said to him, "Come what may, and love it." Easy to say about a football game. A lot harder to say about cancer and being robbed of so much in life. But I thought this morning that in some future day in eternity, Mom and I would look back with gratitude and love for Heavenly Father and Jesus, for giving us all of these experiences. We do that a little now, we have a little faith that is helping us through this.

I hope you all stand true to the faith which we cherish. That you all come through the trials of life faithfully. I want you all to keep working hard, and to stay focused on your schooling, and on making an eternal family. We will have many moments of happiness together as we do this. Be at peace in your heart and mind and have faith and hope.

I will be fasting tomorrow and Sunday. This Sunday is our fast Sunday, and maybe it is yours too. We know you pray for Mom all the time. The little boys still pray out loud and always pray for me and Mom. Thank you for that!

I will send you another email about our plans over the next weeks and few months. I love you all!

Dad